Communication Breakdown

The "Seven Cs" are the danger signs that indicate your business partnership, or any partnership for that matter, is in trouble.

First, and most important, in my view, is the issue of Communication Breakdown.

Although my list of Seven C's refers to the danger signs that partnerships are in trouble, the fact is that communication breakdowns abound in all relationships. Sometimes they are serious leading to downward spiraling such as in business partnerships and marriages where the stats of breakup are astronomical. Other times they are simple miscommunications of lesser impact that don't negatively affect the relationship.

As an experienced listener, sometimes I smile when I happen to hear people answer the question they think they heard and be replied to as if they answered the question that was asked. A recipe for trouble. Then the conversation twists and turns and no one is the wiser (but me!).

What can you do to avoid these breakdowns?

First and foremost be committed to open listening. Honestly, you don't have to be right all the time. Others have worthwhile opinions too. Don't set yourself up to judge. Put your agenda aside. You can always embrace it later. Allow the possibility that you have something to learn from someone else. Often what happens is that you may reject the idea expressed but it triggers yet another idea and another. Before you know it you've both expanded your options and have created new and exciting possibilities. Or you have respectfully listened to each other's viewpoints and feelings or cleared the air about something which needed to occur before moving on to the business itself.

In partnerships there is an additional vital element for good communication. That is a commitment to the relationship no matter what the disagreements. It goes without saying that trust is a given.

Now that you have the mindset, you can use the following techniques.

• Be open and honest with your declarations.
• Repeat back what you think you heard for clarification.
• Ask questions to be sure. Did you mean...? Are you saying....? Did I make myself clear? Can I/you say that another way? Did I hurt your feelings? Have I offended you? That's a great idea! Thank you for pointing that out. I appreciate you saying that. I never thought of it that way. That's brilliant!

When communication is clear, you've taken the most important step to preserve your partnership and relationships.

Competitive, Not Complementary Action

James Carville and Mary Matlin are public relations spokespeople for the Democratic and Republican parties, respectively. They are each articulate, sharp and feisty. Sparks fly when they debate in favor of their parties, so much so that they seem like arch enemies who couldn't possibly exchange a friendly word. I remember the shock reaction I had (how many years ago was it?) hearing that they were getting married. I pictured a contentious loud fighting household.

Recently I saw the two of them on television talking about their private lives. One never knows for sure the truth about public figures or anyone else for that matter, but if taken at face value, they have a solid marriage, children and good family life. They displayed mellowness, respect and total togetherness. It was obvious that the party competitiveness was left outside of the house and what was brought inside was love, goal sharing, and family first.

Businesses run by partners are very much like marriages. If the partners are in competition with each other they are creating a lot of damage. First of all, their relationship is limited because there cannot be complete openness between competitors. The ultimate goal of the success of the business is undermined and lost in the morass of the need to win over each other. If the competition is obvious to others and it usually is, it creates a situation of two camps where employees, directors and suppliers choose sides.

If the business is comprised of family members, the situation can be even more intense and damaging because the negative effects permeate to personal lives and to family members who may not even be directly involved in the business.

As a coach, I help the partners focus on their goal for the business by examining the harm caused by destructive self centered behavior. The need to compete and win sometimes is an unresolved need to play out old family patterns even if the partners are not members of the same family.

The goal of coaching is not to heal old patterns, but rather to contain them and to create new patterns of satisfaction that directly relate to business success. If the situation is so entrenched, therapy may be recommended as part of the solution. However, usually coaching techniques which direct the parties to clarify and satisfy needs in productive ways in order to focus on the business, such as Carville and Matlin focus on their marriage, is the usual path that can be implemented.

Dr. Dean Ornish, noted cardiologist, says the greatest cause of disease is the stress that comes from conflict. Conflict is bad for your health, your personal life and definitely bad for your business.

When disagreements have reached the stage of conflict, emotions have overcome the issue. At this point no one is thinking clearly or speaking truthfully about the original problem. It becomes all about winning. How useful is that?

You can win the battle and lose a whole lot more. Conflict becomes a nail in the coffin of your marriage, or in your business partnership. Though you may win in court, you often lose in life. This is a major component of the scenario that accounts for the high rate of divorce in marriage and even higher rate of dissolution of business partnerships.

Even if conflict doesn't reach this dramatic result, living with conflict is an unhappy, unhealthy situation. Not only does it cause you misery, but it is contagious. Employees, clients and family members feel the tension. They may be taking sides even without realizing the unspoken details of the issue. You and your partner avoid meeting, may deteriorate into a yelling match when you do meet, or live in silence avoiding addressing other important issues as well. This is not the scenario that inspires you to get out of bed in the morning.

The best solution is prevention. Resolve things at the disagreement level before they become conflicts. If the two of you can't get to resolution where you both feel like winners, call in a coach. Actually, my clients find that a monthly meeting is a great preventative and also teaches them the tools needed to handle most situations on their own.

Now is the time to remember that there were good reasons you chose your partner. If you were honest and sincere in your initial evaluation and desire to succeed, it's helpful to keep that in mind and if things have gotten out of hand, hire an outside expert who can help you get back to that place of harmony and mutual respect.

The first step in resolving conflict is to agree to do so and to agree on the ultimate goal which is greater than each of you as individuals. When you are seriously committed to the same outcome things can usually work out. When you've reached this point, a third party, non-biased expert listener and coach is not just desirable, but essential to direct the discussion and keep emotions at bay.

Dorene Lehavi, Ph.D. is principal of Next Level Business and Professional Coaching. She coaches Professionals and Business Partners and teaches teleclasses on techniques to break through barriers to the next level. Dr. Lehavi offers a complimentary coaching session so you can experience how coaching can work for you. Contact Dr. Lehavi at Dorene@CoachingforYourNextLevel.com or on the web at Http://www.CoachingforYourNextLevel.com  Subscribe to Mastering Your Next Level monthly e-newsletter at http://www.coachingforyournextlevel.com/newsletter.html