“Do You Really Believe That?” When a person launches into an
out-of-control rant about an awful problem or unbearable situation, how it’s
the end of the world, etc. etc., simply ask: “Do you really believe
that?” The trick is to ask this question in a very calm and
straightforward way. Your intent is not to antagonize or degrade, but rather
to make the rant-er stop and realize that he or she is really making a
mountain out of a molehill. Once in a rare while, you may be shocked when
someone responds to this question with a firm “yes.” If that happens, you
should really listen to what that person has to say.
The Power of Hmmm … When you encounter a person who’s
outraged and blames you, take a deep breath and say “hmmm…” Unlike “calm
down,” and similar phrases that make an angry person angrier, “hmmm...” can
rapidly turn a potential brawl into a cooperative dialogue. A simple
“hmmm...” speaks volumes, telling people that what they’re saying is worth
listening to and worthy of some sort of action. However, “hmmm...” commits
you to nothing. The sole purpose of “hmmm...” is to ease tension to the
point where you can have a conversation, identify the actual problem, and
come up with a realistic solution. If you’re dealing with a client or
customer meltdown, use “hmmm...” as your first line of defense.
The Stipulation Game. A stipulation is what lawyers make when they
agree upfront on a problematic fact, like the defendant’s fingerprints being
on the murder weapon. It’s a smart technique because when people already
know (or will quickly find out) your problem, whether it’s lack of
experience or a personal flaw, do it with confidence. The more
unselfconscious and relaxed you are, the easier it will be for everyone to
focus on your message. Stipulation takes courage, but the payoff is big.
You’ll turn defects into assets and empower people to view you as a person
rather than a problem. You might even find that the problem that’s been
holding you back is a key to moving you forward.
The Impossible Question. Yes, your idea is daring and ambitious,
but you know it’s possible. The problem is talking other people into seeing
it your way – getting your coworkers, your clients, your employees, your
boss, your investors, or your family to go from “we can’t do it” to “maybe
we can do it” to “let’s do it!” To give your vision a powerful shove towards
reality, try asking doubters two questions: “What’s something that would be
impossible?” and “What would make it possible?” These questions move a
person from a defensive, closed position or a selfish, excuse-making stance
into an open, thinking attitude. When you invite people to tell you what
they think is impossible, they’ll lower their guard to consider what’s
possible. Then they’ll begin to collaborate in thinking strategically.
The Power Thank You. There’s nothing wrong with simply saying
“Thanks.” But if you stop there, your communication is merely transactional
(you did something nice for me, so I’ll say something polite to you). When
you offer a Power Thank You, your words will touch the other person and
strengthen the relationship between you. A Power Thank You has three parts.
1: Thank the person for something specific that he or she did for you (or
refrained from doing that would have hurt you). 2: Acknowledge the effort it
took for the person to help you. 3: Tell the person the difference that his
or her act personally made to you. Offer your Power Thank You in a group
meeting, if you can. It can show everyone involved that you can be trusted
to give credit when it’s due – something that can win you important allies
in a corporate world where people too often get burned by disloyalty.
Adapted from JUST LISTEN: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to
Absolutely Everyone by Mark Goulston (AMACOM; September 15, 2009, $24.95
Hardcover)
Contact Information:
Alice Northover
AMACOM
212-903-7951
