Needy people. These toxic people suck the life out of you, because
no matter what you do for them, it's never enough. If you feel like yelling
"Toughen up!" at the person, try the "wince confrontation." Here's a sample
script: "All of us feel disappointed, hurt, or upset from time to time. Yet
you whine, complain, cry or blame somebody else almost every time I ask you
about something you haven't done. It's too exhausting to be around you. You
have the right to act anyway you choose, but I have the right to excuse
myself or avoid you, which I will do. So, I hope you'll start taking
responsibility for yourself and find a way to keep from falling apart when
you're feeling upset." With needy people, you need strong medicine. If the
person is smart enough to take your message seriously, you'll see a change
for the better.
Bullies. Bullies come after you because they think you're easy
prey. Refuse to follow their script, and they usually give up and seek an
easier target. When a bully tries to intimidate you with a verbal attack,
strike back with your body language. Make eye contact. Stand up straight, be
relaxed, and cock your head as if you're listening, but not very hard. Let
your arms hang casually, instead of folding them defensively across your
chest. Act polite but ever-so-slightly bored, as if your mind is elsewhere.
Often, this unspoken response makes bullies feel uncomfortable or even
foolish and causes them to back down.
Takers. You know these people. They're the ones who hit you up
every day for a favor. ("Could you cover the phones for me?" "Do the graphs
for my PowerPoint presentation?" "Pick up the lunch tab?") Strangely, they
never seem to have to have time or energy to help you in return. Try
avoiding takers, but if you can't, neutralize them. Plan ahead by having
specific requests ready for the takers in your office. The next time a taker
asks you for a favor, say "No problem!" and then insist on a quid pro quo,
with no room for backing out. Because you don't say "no" to the taker, the
taker won't have any reason to take offense. Do this once or twice and the
taker will stop asking you and start searching for another patsy.
Narcissists. These people aren't out to hurt you, but they don't
give a damn about you either -- except as an audience for their own
wonderfulness. A narcissist's motto is, "So ... enough about you." (And
that's true even if you haven't opened your mouth yet!) Narcissists are
always on the center stage, expecting you to sit in the wings and clap for
them. They aren't necessarily bad people at heart. Often, they're just
spoiled. Sometimes, narcissists can be exciting and energizing people to
work with, if you understand their behavior. Manage your expectations by
never expecting a narcissist to do something that is not in his or her best
interest. That way you won't feel blindsided when your business partner acts
narcissistically, and you'll be able to keep your wits about you.
Yourself. Whenever you encounter toxic people and attempt to
analyze their problem, always keep this in mind: Is it possible -- just
barely possible -- that the person with the problem is you? Take a hard look
in the mirror, and you might realize that you're the one who tends to be
needy or a bit of a bully, who tries to take advantage of coworkers or
behaves narcissistically. But not to worry. We all screw up in different
ways. What separates the good people from the toxic ones is the ability to
face those screw-ups and learn a lesson from them.
Adapted from JUST LISTEN: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to
Absolutely Everyone by Mark Goulston (AMACOM; September 15, 2009, $24.95
Hardcover)
Contact Information:
Alice Northover
AMACOM
212-903-7951
